I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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