new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
