And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
