My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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