You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
