Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
