Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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