i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
