I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
