Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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