You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
