i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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