And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
