no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
