Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
