Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
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