I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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