I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
