I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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