I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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