oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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