News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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