I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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