Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
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