Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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