1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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