I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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