Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
