My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
