I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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