Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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