i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
