its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
