When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
