I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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