just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
