if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
