i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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