No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
