What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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