Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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