That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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