he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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