dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
