I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
