Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
