I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
