Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
