It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
and she was petting her beer can
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
