nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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