I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
