My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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