Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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