I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
